It has been a while. A long while indeed. From time to time, I sneak a peek at this site wondering what else is there? Wondering if the world deserves to know me. Or, in circumspect, do I deserve to let the world see me?

Imagine an alien probe honed in on an ordinary object. So ordinary, in fact, as to be deemed dismissible. Now, imagine that object is you. For years you have crawled under that rock, glaring at the sun in defiance yet hunched over at its glare. Then retreating under your sanctuary at night to lick your wounds with salt. The night is peaceful, the air warm but there is a gentle breeze that makes it almost bearable. Then as you start to lay down and close your eyes, a bright light penetrates your eyelids. Instinctively, you open your eyes. Stung, you put up your hand to hide your sight from the glare and peek from under the shadow of your palm. Heart pounding and mind racing, you try to make sense of what is happening.

Panic turns to confusion. Caught off-guard in your jammies with your blanket clutched tightly in the fist you have made with your other hand, you squint and try to see who is beyond the light. Who is it? How many? Why? What?

Confusion turns to anger. How dare they! You start to feel the stirrings of anger. Simmering. Quietly at first. Then boiling. Tipping over. They have just invaded your privacy, your home, your place of comfort!

Anger boils into rage. No respect! Somebody has to be blamed. Anger needs direction. You feel your whole body shake and your head start to swim as blood rushed in turning your ears red. They will pay for this intrusion!

Rage simmers down and now you have exhaustion. Appropriating blame requires too much of the body. You hands grow numb and limp from holding your fists too tightly. You shiver as if cold but you are not. You realize you have the beginnings of a headache when you feel the steady thumping of blood on your temples like drumbeats.

Exhaustion turns into deliberation. You try to make sense of the situation. You rationalize. You turn to logic. You apply mathematical equation to come up with something statistically probable and hold on to it. Expounding it into comprehensible data. Creating order from disorder so your brain would not rattle so much like a pin ball machine when it tries to wrap around the details.

Rationalization turns to...what? Acceptance? Or does it go back to anger when denial sets in? Doubt. Something that would not fit. A puzzle that must have come from another box. Surely, it's a factory defect. Surely, an error. Surely, they did not mean to do it. Surely. Surely.

So I log out and close the page. Perhaps next year i will write something here again. Perhaps.